Forest Row Bike Club

Ride Report

Lewes - 9th October 2016

Hallo Reader. To most people, the fact that this week’s ride report is a lot briefer than lately will matter not one jot, because they don’t read it anyway. To your good self, the reason for the brevity will soon become apparent.

I rose fairly late-ish this morning for an early turn at work, when the alarm stirred me at 0347 hrs. Why the peculiar time? Because today’s shift on the trains began at 0547, 17 minutes before my first train left Horsham for London Victoria. I allocate 1 hour for waking, falling out of bed, showering, cutting sandwiches for my lunch, and chucking a cup of tea down my petite and delicate bouche. It would need to be a few seconds more if I still had to comb my hair. I allow another hour to drive the 18 miles to work, but as it was by now, only 0447, took me only about 40 minutes, there being just 20 other cars on the roads in the whole of Great Britain. Therefore there is ample spare time to allow for any eventuality such as the following, all of which have happened to me at least once in the 9 years I have been doing this job, although not necessarily so early in the morning.

Getting stuck behind a tractor, a steam traction engine, a hearse, a horse, a lost driver, a woman driver, (er, sorry, the Donald Trump coming out in me). Allowing for falling asleep again after the alarm went off. Mistaking the time that I was supposed to start work. My car refusing to start and having to call a taxi. Having to return home to pick up the stuff I need for work but forgot. Hitting an unfortunate but stupid deer who didn’t know it’s Green Cross Code.

So why the 17 minutes? Come on, keep up. Because that is the amount of time that the railway company allows for a conductor to wend the lengthy way to the room where their ticket machine is stored, transport it to the distant crew room, prepare it for use, check the details of the day’s work and telephone the duty manager to book on for work. In fact, all that takes only 16 and a half minutes, so we’ve got one over on them there.

Who turned up for today’s ride to Lewes I cannot be sure. Which route they took I am a bit doubtful about. The weather they experienced may have been similar to that between Horsham and London, which was mild, sunny spells and occasional showers, with a light north-westerly breeze. On the other hand, maybe it wasn’t. Their lunch stop I am unfamiliar with. How many times Trex fell off his bike I have no idea. And I’m at a loss as to how much they enjoyed themselves, although I can guess that there was an extraordinary amount of talking going on. Making hay and sun shining spring to mind.

I’ll be back next week though.


If you took part in a ride, why not write a report? The more florid the language, the more inflated the hyperbole, the more tumescent the innuendo, the greater your chance of winning the FRBC Prize for Original Plagiarism.

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